The Effects Of Divorce On Children And Young Adolescents

Introduction

The Star Online recorded an alarming figure in 2015 – one divorce every 10 minutes in Malaysia! According to the latest statistics released the Department of Statistics Malaysia in 28 December 2018, there are about 50,000 divorce cases per year in 2016 and 2017. Marriage is the first institution ordained by God in the bible in Genesis 1:28. Yet according to world-wide statistics, in the US alone, a divorce paper is signed every ten seconds, and while a wedding vow is being read, nine divorces were recorded . What is tragic is that, the number of children who hails from post-divorce families in Canada have jumped from “11% to 19%” in 1985 to 38% in November 2017. In Singapore, the number of such children too have risen from 3.3mil in 1970 to 6.6mil in 1981. This trend is now consistent across every continent and every country in the world. Although there is no official statistics for such children in Malaysia, we too are witnessing the rise of the number of children who are experiencing parental divorce.

The post-divorce life is never a happy one. Despite the popular myth, “happy parents make happy children”, studies by Elizabeth Marquardt, Judith S Wallerstein, and many other renowned psychologists and different research institutions around the world have well-documented evidence to prove otherwise. Divorces can have very horrifying, terrifying and paralyzing effects on children. A child psychologist, Dr Lee Salk was quoted as saying, “the trauma of divorce is second only to death. Children sense a deep loss and feel they are suddenly vulnerable to forces beyond their control”. Rabbi Earl Grollman, a divorce teacher and author wrote, “the big difference is, death has a closure, it’s over. But with divorce, it’s never over.”

The marriage institution is now being damaged and corrupted, passing its fangs from parents to children and to their grandchildren.

Children are so badly damaged that some never recovered from the break-up. Many became disillusioned, discouraged, depressed, suicidal, and lost. Divorcing parents overlooked the fact that their children did not possess the necessary strength to cope with this kind of hurt. Hence, some children grew up carrying this kind of hurts and damages into adulthood.

This paper attempts to list some very damaging effects of divorce on children so that our local government could draft strategic policies to tackle these issues in order to prevent, or if not, to minimize these damages on these children.

Firstly, Financially Speaking… The post-divorce life often sees the woman and her children suffering financially, whereas the man becomes wealthier. The European Labourforce survey gathered that in 2012, there were 92% mother-led divorced family and only 8% were led by divorced fathers. One of the main reason for this is because women were almost always given a preferential custody over their children after divorce. University of North Georgia in 2007 found that at least 83% of women in the US were given this preference. This trend is similarly reflected in Russia, Belgium, Switzerland, Denmark, Sweden, and other European nations. A study by ResearchGate.net in 2016 also reflected the same trend in Asia, particularly in Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Southern Thailand and Southern Philippines.

What about the men? Numerous studies have a common conclusion, that since 1977 and up till the latest data in 2016, 43% of divorced men were either late in paying their child-support, or were unable to pay at all. Despite these findings however, unfortunately, universal divorce laws also expect the woman to be self-supporting and receives little alimony from her ex-husband.

As such, this stress the woman financially, as now she becomes a bread winner as well. This is worst when the woman lacks skills the marketplace need, or when the woman rejoins the working force after a lapse of a number of years. This sudden change may potentially lead this woman and her children to a state of financial decline and expose them to plausible poverty.

When a child experiences poverty, the quality of his life needless to say, declines naturally. Loss of financial resources means loss of opportunities for private education, private tuition, loss of opportunity for sports-related classes, music-related classes, special medical care and etc. Wallerstein, in her book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, stated that if nothing is done, this child may even grow up to be a very bitter person, full of anger and resentment towards his parents, more so towards his non-custodial parent, which is usually his father. This condition then because of their mother inability to cope financially, had to take up odd jobs to support their families. Elizabeth Marquardt said in her book, Between Two Worlds, these children were forced to become “little adults”. In her own words, her parents’ divorce “had caused her to grow up very fast.” With such demand upon them, dropping out of college sometimes becomes necessary.

This then leads to a decline or a withdrawal in their academic pursuit.

Decline in Academic Achievement

Studies showed that divorce do have a direct adverse impact on a child’s academic performance. The emotional, physiological and psychological effect of divorce puts a child at a disadvantage which lead to a decline in academic performance. Child psychologist Dr Salk, in an interview with People Magazine noted that a child loses his appetite, his muscles begin to weaken, he experiences regular stomach aches, and nightmares. All these are their physical reaction to this monumental loss.

Then he further loses his self-confidence, self-esteem, self-worth, and self-value. Children below the age of 7 regress in their emotional development due to stress and anxieties. Children between 8 and 13 lost their sense of security, develop a sense of resentment towards their parents and suffers from irrational fears often. All these affect them in their academic pursuit.

In 1983, Guidubaldi, Perry, Cleminshaw and McLoughlin conducted a study from a sample of 341 children of post-divorced family and 358 from intact family. A variety of intelligence and achievement tests were conducted on these children, including interviews with their families, and their teachers. Their findings were expected. Children who grew up in an uninterrupted environment scored higher academically than those from a post-divorced background.

Dr Joseph Dominick Nisivoccia from Nova Southeastern University states when a family structure is dissolved, a child’s grade point average declines significantly. This was a similar conclusion made by many other scholars and authoritative sources. Daniel Potter (Aug 2010), and Judith S Wallerstein who conducted a 25-year study on this, as well as Elizabeth Marquardt, the author of several divorce-related books, have also verified this through their research on this subject.

There are various reasons for this.

Firstly, divorce creates disorder. The sudden change of perhaps scheduled visits, the regular disappearance of one parent, the confusion and chaos which usually ensued, the loneliness which suddenly surfaced like a tempest, the sudden potential involvement of a step-family can all lead to a huge state of confusion for the post-divorced child. When a child is forced to handle all these sudden negative changes in his life, he has no room to focus on his academic pursuit. His learning confidence becomes impaired and may even develop slow-learning behaviours.

It is worst for younger children ages 7 and below. With their limited cognitive, social and intellectual abilities, they may construed the situation differently, often in a damaging way. Wallerstein (2000) states, “young children may blame themselves for the divorce, may fear abandonment, may misperceive their parents’ behavior and may harbor thoughts of reconciliation”. Weiss (1979) revealed that at least one third of these young children immediately develop emotional detachment from their parents at the early stage of divorce. That early stage of detachment indirectly caused them to be confused, and angry. In a classroom setting, the child manifests traits of impatience, anger, refusal to learn and to obey authoritative figures and refusal to cooperate where necessary.

Yet, the upside of this for the younger children is that they may not have much memories of their parental conflict, which works better than if they were older. Older children tend to question and confront their parents and harbor a false hope of reconciliation. Researchers named this stage as the beginning of a ‘grieving cycle’, usually displaying anger, disappointment, bitterness, confusion, guilt, fear and many times, depression. The only way to counter that is through ‘grieving reaction’, where constant assurance needs to be showered on these children. They will also display symptoms of “insecurity, inadequacy and helplessness”. Thus, the caregiver’s role then is to constantly give these children assurances that it is not their fault.

However, Wallerstein also states that a child’s experience of “family conflict, religious background, age and place in the sibling order” would affect a child’s rate of adapting to the transition.

Secondly, a study by Nissivocia points out that it is the boys who would fare poorly once a family is dissolved, as they experienced “greater emotional, social, and academic problems.” In the same study, he concluded that having restricted access to a male role model, mainly their fathers, cause them to be “vulnerable and susceptible to various stress factors” as a result of that divorce. This then, cause them to have slower if not a regressed cognitive ability. Other problems, such as being anti-social, unteachable, rebellious will begin to surface. For the older boys, sexual confusion can also surface due to a lack sexual education to some of these boys.

Thirdly, a post-divorced environment at home may not be conducive for a child to focus academically. He may be reminded constantly of the conflicts that occurred. That unhealthy environment could be rather demotivating for the child to grow healthily.

Theological Perspective

In ancient times, when men went to war and gave their lives in the battlefield, their families who were left behind then instantly became widows and orphans who were fatherless. Widows and orphans were given a special mention in the bible, such as Deuteronomy 14:29, Ezekiel 22:7 and Acts 6:1-6. Worst, often they were unable to fend for themselves and were stuck in the rut until a remarriage would occur to rescue them from poverty. The church had been tasked in James 1:27 to care for these destitute ones and to help to alleviate them from their condition.

The Bible has given very special attention to the poor. We are to “speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” (Proverbs 31:8-9). The Bible described the single-parent families as fatherless to describe such home. Hosea 14:3c says, “for in You, the fatherless finds mercy”. Psalm 68:5 says, “He is a father to the fatherless”. Psalm 146:9 says, “the Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow…” Not only that, but God’s compassion extends to that single-parent as well.

Looking at the triangular relationship among Abraham, Sarah and Hagar, didn’t God attended to Ishmael when he was crying in the wilderness in Genesis 21:17 when Abraham sent Hagar and his son Ishmael away to appease Sarah?

In the new testament, James himself said it in James 1:27, “religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this, to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

The bible gave no allowance for us to close our eyes to their plight. 1 John 3:17 says, “but whoever has the world’s material possessions and observes his brother in need, and shuts his heart against him, how does the love of God reside in him?” In the same letter, 1 John 4:8 then say, “the one who does not love does not know God because God is love.”

Therefore, it is the church obligation to work hand-in-glove with the local council to show God’s love to this growing segment of the society by providing a safe place for them to heal, to adapt, and to grow.

First Step: Education

The first thing that must be done is to educate both parents that they both play a role to assist their children to adapt to the brokenness. Both parents must brief their children on the new structure of the family and to assure their children that it is not their fault at all. In this way, the child will not see himself as being pushed away or forced to oscillate between his parents. The local government then can draft a policy requiring a mandatory briefing in the pre-divorce stage.

Next, it is to educate our society on how to help these broken families, especially these children who have been hurt by their parents’ separation. They must not be judged nor alienated nor marginalized. They must be helped and mentored like any other children. Some Christians add salt to injury when they protect their own family by rejecting the fellowship of these single-parent families and this caused the brokenness and alienation to worsen. This attitude then needs to be changed.

Only when the awareness is created, then the local government will be able to draft more effective policies with the corporation of the community to work hand-in-glove to ensure these broken families receive sufficient support and assistance. The church, after all, has enormous potential for healing to take place. The structure, the framework, the human resource, the prayers and the power of God are in place to help these broken families. Hence, with a conducive environment for forgiveness and healing to take place, the church is the choice place to execute such policy.

Next, single-parent and the children are to attend personal counseling sessions. The sessions can be organized by the church yet in order not to be seen as a conversion exercise, it can be conducted outside the church settings. The local government then could make it a policy for all divorced parents and post-divorce children to meet with a personal counselor at a specific interval period, with the purpose of journeying with them towards wholesomeness, forgiveness and healing.

After sufficient counsels, then the next policy is to connect them with a local support group. One method to do so is to invite them into a home for acceptance. Here, godfather and godson, godmother and goddaughter relationship can be created and developed to help them fill the vacuum created by their flesh-and-blood parent. Some of the activities that could be done include camping, hiking, badminton, cycling and driving in search of that good food. All these activities could assist them to feel accepted, belonged and loved.

What Can Be Done

Firstly, numerous studies have proposed a direct association between the level of support received by the mother and her child’s ability to adapt to the divorced environment. Wallerstein states that the more support a mother receives from her family, friends and communities, the more the stress level is reduced on her child. As such, the community could extend immediate assistance by walking through with the mother closely, especially in the early stage of the divorce.

Secondly, with regards to the single-parent, a policy to allow single mothers to apply for flexible working hours can be put in place. This will permit her to schedule her time to attend to her children at a specific time, or in the event of an unexpected emergency. With such flexibility, the mother will be courageous enough to apply for suitable jobs to help with her finances.

Another policy that can be put in place is to make it mandatory for fathers to provide monthly alimony on time. This is to ensure that the children’s lives go on with little interruption. Besides providing financially, it would help if the father’s role extends beyond punctual financial provision. Perhaps once a fortnight, a father is required to spend a specific number of hours with his children? Children are able to adjust better emotionally and socially if they remain in constant communication with their non-custodial parent. In fact, in another study, the more the child spend time equally with both custodial and non-custodial parent, the more the child will be able to adapt to the parental-divorced environment quicker and produce a healthier environment for them to grow.

Personal Reflection

Divorce “steals, kills and destroys” the good commandment to “be fruitful and multiply”. Whereas, the church, which made the body of Christ, is also made as an imago Dei. Whatever damages the devil has done to the body, especially with its tripling effect for the past 20 years , the ball is now in the church court on how we can encourage healthy relationships from all levels.