We have all been there, that moment where our temptation is about to trump our principals. Whether it is the commitment to no sugar or the commitment to no sex. According to a study done by Dr. Helen Fisher, during sexual stimulation the brain region of love become active. If this is the case we run into a host of issues that are much larger then sex and make the idea of chastity after sex much harder.
To understand why this is a larger issue than sex we must look at what love is chemically. According to Dr. Fisher, people in love and drug addicts show similar behaviors. Furthermore, she later notes that romantic love triggers feeling such as sexual desire, possessiveness, and a craving for an emotional union. If we take just these factors and combine them we can easily see that lust itself is just the surface, and to conquer lust we must dig much deeper. First, we must look at chastity its self and what it means. Chastity is the act of being chaste which can be defined as innocent of unlawful sexual intercourse. That, unfortunately, is not at all helpful, other than to inform us that if we have not raped, had sex with a child, or have had sex before marriage we are chaste. The bible clearly states throughout the old and new that we are not to be sexually immoral.
Porneia is a Greek word that we see throughout Scripture translated as ‘’sexual immorality.’’ Porneia can also be translated as ‘’whoredom,’’ ‘’fornication,’’ and ‘’idolatry.’’ Furthermore, Poeneia means ‘’a surrendering of sexual purity’’. I could continue for some time on the semantics of this topic, but, that would lead us no further than before. To summarize sexual immorality is any type of sexual expression that does not fall into the category of marriage. Our mind especially as a man will immediately hone in on the wording sexual expression. Before we even have realized what our mind is doing, our brain as found 1000 ways to justify and define sexual expression to our liking. Let us take God out of the equation for a moment and take a look at what the benefits of not having sex before marriage are from a medical standpoint. A study that was published in the Journal of Family Psychology, found that couples who did not have premarital sex, had a 20% higher rate of satisfaction with their relationship, 15% higher sexual quality, and 22% higher stability.
Furthermore, The author of “Premarital Sex in America,” Mark Regnerus says it suggests to him that couples who “prioritize sex promptly at the outset of a relationship often find their relationships underdeveloped when it comes to the qualities that make relationships stable and spouses reliable and trustworthy.”(1)This is nothing new; we know all too well without science, that sex before marriage whether in a casual sexual encounter or in a relationship has a negative effect on both parties involved.So, what do we do when we have fallen in love, not gotten married but, already have had sex. My partner and I met during a sinful period in our life, we went on a date had sex and fell in love. We moved in together, built a life together, came back to faith, got engaged, and changed our lives in every way possible, except sex. If you look at the above chart from the website ‘’family life’’ you can some up men and women in simple terms, men are physical, women are emotional. This causes a wide range of issues, in continuing a relationship without sex, after having had sex. As a man our number one problem is, and always will be our penis. Men need sex, women need sex and affection.
As most men know and have experienced, the act of physical affection can very quickly escalate to a high state of arousal. If we commit from the beginning of a relationship to no sex, we do not encounter the same level of intimacy that we do when we have already partaken in sexual relations. We give up sex, we give up intimacy. This becomes a large problem for our relationship. The intimacy that we have gained through sex becomes a key component of our relationship and makeup as a couple. Once we give up sex, we need to find a solution to the missing component of our relationship. As noted before, ‘’the act of physical affection can very quickly escalate to a high state of arousal.’’ So, how do we strengthen and nature our relationship, after giving up sex? For starters prayer, this is your key to a reality check when you begin to struggle. Second, timely distance. If you know you are in a situation or you feel as if you are approaching a situation that will cause you or your partner to become aroused, create physical distance.
Last, but definitely not least, do not create any sort of emotional distance. Communicate to your partner, how this situation is affecting you, and why it’s affecting you. Emotional distance can, and will destroy your relationship. Furthermore, never tempt your partner, and never ever forget to reiterate the love and emotions that you have and feel toward her. When this decision stood at my doorway, I found every excuse to not make this vow of chastity. This is why it is important to remember our mind can twist any thought, into a righteous thought. Finally, find yourself an accountability partner. Your mind is not always to be trusted, and your sexual desires most certainly not. Find yourself someone who is stable, mature and reachable for those moments of unbearable temptation, and pray.
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