The Importance Of Talking And Letting The Teens To Make Their Own Decisions

I have found the most important thing though, is to have one-on-one time with each kid. For us it is usually just a half hour here and there just sitting and talking. They desperately need to feel like someone listens to them. Teenagers are the most misunderstood animals. They’re in that scary transitional stage of “I’m not a little kid but I don’t get treated like an adult.” We want them to think independently but we also need to encourage them to make mistakes and learn from them. Instead of “do that, don’t do that” we need to approach them with “what do you think you should do and why?” The only way they are going to become successful adults is if they learn to make their own decisions and live with the consequences. No, they are not always going to make the right decision. But, encouraging them to own the decisions they make, is going to help them also own those consequences.

Educational decisions need to be treated the same. They need to understand what the stakes are when it comes to grades, and make their own decisions (reasonably) on how they want to approach them. Owen has never had an easy time in math. I remember when he was in 2nd grade and learning his times tables. We were working on times seven and he just couldn’t get it. He had a complete meltdown. So, I suggested he take a nice hot shower to calm himself down so he could come back at it with a clear head. About ten minutes into his shower he yells for me to come in to the bathroom. He had written his entire times seven table on the shower door. He was so impressed with himself. With that being said, Owen started his sophomore year hell-bent on taking honors algebra and honors chemistry. He’s a sciency kid so I had no problem with the chemistry. However, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of honors algebra. I mean, this was going to be a hard class. But he was persistent. We bought an organizer, and a planner, and all the necessary supplies to prepare him for the year ahead. 8 weeks into the school year and he was almost failing that algebra class. This resulted in him feeling like he was getting buried in all of his classes. It was all becoming too overwhelming for him. Fortunately, he was able to switch to algebra 1 and regain a little breathing room. His decision to take that honors class was one that he had to own and because we let him make that decision, he did own it. He understood that he was in over his head and took the necessary actions to repair the situation.

Now, I’m not saying that you should just let your kids make whatever decision that they want. There definitely needs to be some discretion. But, if they don’t learn how to make decisions, they’ll never become independent confident adults. You gotta remember, they’re going to face situations that involve drugs, alcohol, and sex…. Do you want them to be armed with the ability to make a sensible decision based on the fact that they will need to own the consequence? I do! So, if they need to fuck up on a few little things along the way to get there, so be it! They get along better with you because you’re giving them the freedom to make decisions, and it is ultimately helping them become better adults…. And let me tell you, that should be your main goal. I love my kids to the ends of the earth but I’ll be damned if they’re gonna be useless adults. We have plenty of those already. And don’t get me wrong, my kids know that the punishment will always fit the crime. We rarely have to really get down and dirty but they all know the wrath of mom is something they do not want to experience. The “look” is enough to send shivers down their spine.

So, talk to your teens, treat them like their life is their ship to navigate. They are overwhelmed, emotional, and confused. Give them the tools they need and show them how to build their future. And remember, no matter how few and far between those moments of sweetness are, they are worth every minute. Cherish it.