Dating Abuse as a Type of Physical and Psychological Abuse

What Is Abuse?

Abuse is the intentional mistreating and harming of another person. The aim of abuse is often coerced someone else to act and behave in a certain way, and thus creates an imbalance of power within a relationship(relationship can be between friends, family or sexual partners,etc.).Abuse misuses power and trust and to make the victim dependent and vulnerable. Furthermore, abuse significantly affects the quality of life for the victim and often violates the victim's human rights, (e.g. abuse can easily lead to rape as there is an imbalance of power in a relationship and the victim becomes emotionally weakened.) Abuse can be found within any social class, culture, or community, and can a person of any age can be abused. Abuse is also usually passed on from generations, and thus an abusive nature within a person can be developed from being exposed to abuse previously(e.g if your parents were abusive when you were younger then when you have your own children you may be abusive towards your own children.

There are many types of abuse, some examples include:

• Physical Abuse: Abusing someone in a way where the abuse is tangible, e.g punching, hitting, and kicking somebody.
• Sexual Abuse: Raping and forcing someone to perform sexual acts without any consent from the party involved.
• Verbal Abuse: Abusive behavior that is translated through language and speaking e.g.insulting and swearing someone.
• Financial Abuse: Being denied the ability to bed in control of your money. Can include your partner holding your spending of money accountable and preventing you from having a job so that you become dependent on your partner.
• Emotional Abuse: Abuse that leaves a victim feeling self-conscious, anxious, and depressed e.g. Ridiculing someone's beliefs.

What Is Dating Abuse?

Dating abuse is the intentional mistreating and harming between two parties which are in a romantic or sexual relationship, and thus are dating (relationship to assess one another's viability to be a potential long term partner or partner to marry). This abuse can range from physical abuse (abusing someone in a way where the abuse is tangible e.g punching, hitting, and kicking somebody) to emotional abuse (abuse that leaves a victim feeling self-conscious, anxious, and depressed e.g. ridiculing someone's beliefs.) The aim of dating abuse is to maintain and control and thus gain the ability to force a partner into behaving and acting in a certain way.

Therefore, dating abuse often leads to rape and sexual abuse. This controlling behavior and, subsequently this dating abuse can lead to your partner doing the following:

• Not allowing you to spend time with your friends.
• Constantly calling you and checking where you are.
• Controlling who you associate yourself with, how you spend your time and what you wear.
• Belittling and insulting you.
• Punching and slapping.
• Forcing you to partake in sexual activities.

Dating abuse leads to the victim feeling lonely, depressed and anxious. Added to this, dating abuse leaves the victim feeling fearful and threatened by their partner, and thus breaking off a relationship becomes very difficult. In some cases, the victim can withdraw from friends and family, and continue the abusive relationship.

Profile of an Abuser and Victim

An abuser usually has been abused. The abuser could have been abused by their parents when they were younger( perhaps parents even abused each other) and thus now enacts the same behavior upon others, as they have learned from past experiences that dating abuse is an effective way to establish control and power, e.g. abuser could have been hit by parents when younger, and now does the same to the victim to gain control. An abuser has low self-esteem and thus abuses others to feel powerful. Belittling and insulting others can be a way for an abuser to cope with their self-doubt as the victim is reduced to being on the same level of vulnerability as the abuser.

An abuser has a lack of coping skills and thus thrives off the power that he or she gains from harming others. Often abusers don't know how to deal with their low self-esteem and thus they abuse others and control others, to attempt to feel better and more in control. An abuser can have extreme socioeconomic pressures (e.g. being unemployed) and thus by abusing others they once again, gain a sense of control, which they may have lost due to all the pressure on them. An abuser can have a history of abusive relationships in his or her family and thus have learned to be abusive from their family, community, or environment. Some abusers may have a very violent nature as they abuse alcohol and drugs.

A victim often has low self-esteem as abuse (e.g insulting comments and belittling) can leave the victim doubting their value and being dependent on the abuser's praise to feel valued. A victim is often very lonely and depressed as a direct result of the abusers controlling nature (e.g. abuser can get jealous that the victim is spending time with friends and family instead of focusing on their relationship, and thus can order the victim to isolate themselves from the victim's friends and family). This isolation can make the victim withdraw from friends and family, and instead of asking for help accepting the blame for the abuse. A victim often accepts responsibility for the abuser's actions, this can be a result of intimidation and fear towards the abuser, and also due to the hope that the victim has that the abuser will change. A victim can refuse help as the victim believes that no one can help, and is also sometimes embarrassed and scared to ask for help. A victim's insecurities are usually exploited by abuse and thus this leads to the victim becoming dependent on the abuser and, the abuser exhibiting even more controlling behavior.

Examples of Dating Abuse

Emotional Abuse:

• pretending to ignore the victim and rejecting the victim;
• convincing the victim that the victim is responsible for the abuse and has no value;
• isolating the victim from family and friends;
• name-calling and bullying;
• making the victim feel afraid, threatened, and intimidated.

Physical Abuse:

• hitting;
• strangling;
• kicking;
• hair pulling;
• punching.

Sexual abuse:

• unwanted kissing and touching;
• forcing you to have sex and thus rape (includes forcing you to have sex when you are not able to express your consent, e.g. when you are drunk);
• forcing you to send nude images and engage in pornography;
• preventing safe-sex practices (e.g. using contraceptives) and controlling your decisions about pregnancy and abortion;
• forcing you to have sex with others.

Controlling behavior:

• not allowing you to spend time with your friends;
• constantly calling you and checking where you are;
• controlling who you associate yourself with, how you spend your time, and what you wear;
• deciding what topics are to be discussed and deciding where and with who the couple goes out;
• threatening the victim in order to gain control and power.

Verbal abuse:

• belittling and insulting the victim;
• humiliating and embarrassing victim (e.g publicly exposing victims faults);
• name-calling;
• judging and criticizing the victim;
• accusing and blaming the victim;

Early Warning Signs of Dating Violence:

• The victim is isolated from friends and family, as the partner begins to control who the victim can associate himself/herself with.
• The victim is always blamed for anything that goes wrong within the relationship, and the partner takes no responsibility.
• The partner gets extremely jealous and insecure about the victim spending time with others.
• The partner constantly keeps tabs on where the victim is and what the victim is doing.
• The partner constantly check phones, emails, and messages of the victim.
• The partner belittles and insults the victim.
• The partner coerces the victim into sexual activity.
• The partner controls how the victim behaves and what clothes the victim wears.
• The partner has a temper and gets mood swings.
• The partner is constantly doubtful of the victim and thus makes false accusations.
• The partner uses physical abuse to ‘reprimand’ victim.

Ways to Escape an Abusive Relationship

Recognize that you are being abused. You can do this through being aware of the warning signs of an abusive relationship, or asking friends and family is your partner seems to exhibit abusive behavior. An abuser's most useful tool is to make the victim feel isolated and lonely. A victim can talk to friends and family about the abuse so that the victim can get confidence and advice on how to break off the relationship. Alternatively, if the victim is uncomfortable and embarrassed about talking to friends and family, the victim can go to a psychologist or a special organization that deals with abuse.

A victim is commonly abused when they break off a relationship and leave. Therefore the following precautions are necessary:

• Plan where you will go once you have ended the relationship. If you are worried about the abuser stalking you, do not tell him where you are going, go somewhere secluded, or stay with friends and family that are able to protect you if the abuser returns.
• Prepare clothes, money, and other belongings so that escape is easy.
• Leave when the abuser is not home so that you don't get abused.
• End the relationship in a public space or with friends and family present so that you are able to be protected.

End the relationship through a mediator. Abusers are often very manipulative and thus being deceived into continuing the relationship is very easy (e.g the abuser might manipulate you into believing that you deserved to be abused and thus the relationship was not working out). Friends, family, or even an advocate can act as a mediator.

Document the abuser's abuse (record a video or voice note) so that you have evidence of the abuse. Next, report the abuse to a court or the police so they can intervene and perhaps even arrest the abuser.

Ensure that the abuser is unable to contact you and manipulate you back into the relationship once you have ended the relationship. You can do this by blocking the abuser on social media, and creating a new bank account so the abuser does not get hold of your personal information.