An Event In My Life Having Impacted My Identity

A big influence that really made an impact in my identity formation is my dad leaving us. Him not being there made it really hard, not only on me and my sister but my mom as well. My dad isn’t the best person in the world. He’s never been there for me when I needed him. But he’s still my dad and I can’t change that even if I wanted to. I don’t always agree with him or all his actions but I’ve learned to not get involved. I hope within time our relationship gets better or either for him to officially vanish out of my life. As I am getting older and so is he. My dad in general I think just doesn’t care about us anymore. Which is why he probably left. And that is one thing that I am thankful for. Thanks to him I learned to never depend on anyone because they can switch up at any time/moment in your life when you least expect it. But one person who I know I can always count on is my mom. She’s never given up on me. She is such a hard worker and deserves so much more which is why at times I’m glad my dad is not in any of our lives anymore. It has always just been my mom, my sister, and I. There was never a really strong father figure in my life since the day my dad left when I was just three years old. He just packed his bags and left, as simple as that. I wasn’t able to get to know him. I was too young to remember ever having his love. To me he’s just a mere shadow, a fuzzy memory that never seems to fail to creep into my dreams.

There were many lonely nights and years of questioning why I wasn’t enough for him. I needed my dad there to help balance out my life, be there to give me the talk about boys so that I wouldn’t suffer through bad relationships. He was supposed to be the first man to tell me that I’m beautiful and help me to know myself before anyone had the opportunity to label me. I was supposed to be his “little girl”. I needed him and he didn’t care. How does one sleep at night not knowing if their own daughters are breathing, eating, safe, and secure? At times I’m not even sure if his lack of presence was a blessing or a curse. My pain runs deep just like it does for my older sister. He has put us through so much and I personally think since I’m the youngest one it hurts me the most knowing that in general my dad just doesn’t want to be a part of my life. He should’ve been there every step of the way. In the end I just think of always being the bigger person and not let his words/actions get to me, because I do communicate with him, but it’s really rare when I do talk to him. One day it’ll all just come back to him. I know that later on in the future, he’s gonna regret not being a part of my life, but it’ll be too late.

My dad was the first man to break my heart and I’m struggling not to hate him. I don’t know what he would have lost by being in my life. I just think about the positive out of all this and for me, growing up fatherless motivated me to become better than my dad was. And to not follow or repeat any of his actions. I feel sorry for my dad for missing out on something and someone so great. But I guarantee that I won’t let his actions break me. I thank him for the pain because without it I wouldn’t know healing, I wouldn’t know love, and I wouldn’t know God. And in the end it only made me stronger.