Self-Deception as the Ruination of Our Society

“We fight because we love each other.” A couple months before leaving for college I started to get seriously involved with a guy from my high school. I knew we were only hurting ourselves by progressing with the relationship despite knowing I would be moving away soon. There was always a little voice in the back of my head telling me it wouldn’t work, but I always pushed that aside because I was hoping for the best. We continued the relationship long distance but everything changed. I would travel two hours every other weekend convincing myself that the more I visited, the stronger our relationship would be. There was a part of me that was constantly worrying about him and there was a void that was painfully obvious. I was missing everything important in his life and he was missing the important moments in mine. We would talk constantly but it wasn’t the same. Guilt was constantly lingering because it was apparent both of us were sad in the relationship. We fought constantly but refused to give each other up. Nevertheless, I persuaded myself that the reason we fought is that we loved each other so much and it would all be worth it in the end.

Self-deception is when someone tricks their mind into believing that a false or invalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true. (Oxford Dictionaries) The only person being hurt when someone deceives themselves is that person. Rather than evaluating the situation and facts for any particular belief, someone will let something else guide what they believe. This typically has to do with something that we feel strong feelings about: relationships, character, religion, morals, or career. It’s easy to understand how somebody can deceive another: distorting information or flat-out lying to another person is easy to wrap your head around. There may be morality questions attached to deceiving others, but there’s nothing incomprehensible about it. In the case of self-deception, the deceiving party and the deceived party are interchangeable. That’s what makes self-deception so paradoxical.

Being self-deceptive can also mean being self-destructive. Take someone who is at a party and is offered to experiment with a highly addictive drug. Most of the time what ends up happening is they will convince themselves they are strong enough to not get addicted and this one time won’t have a damaging impact. Unfortunately, this is not a rational way of decision making and can result in toxic consequences. This can be applied when examining my justification for hurting myself through the long-distance relationship. Although I was aware that the deeper involved I got would result in the more hurt I would be in the end, I ignored that instinct and instead chose to be self-destructive.

A couple months into college is when the anticipated break up finally happened. I was visiting him for the weekend and knew immediately that something was wrong. His promises were about to be dishonored and I would be left heartbroken. I was wrong in thinking I would be strong enough to focus on my studies when I was abandoned so suddenly by who I thought was my best friend. When I came back to school, I was preparing to take all of my midterms. Unfortunately, the recent heartbreak left me distracted and careless. I blamed him for the longest time but eventually reflected on it and realized that during the relationship, I was well aware it would end horribly but made the decision to continue with the relationship anyway. It took a while to admit that I only betrayed myself and couldn’t blame anybody else. Despite the horrible ending, I remember the relationship as an overall good time in my life.

Even though being deceptive towards yourself is overall not a positive thing, it is possible for constructive things to come out of convincing yourself something is true when it is not. “Believing we are more talented or intelligent than we really are can help us influence and win over others.” (Wall Street Journal) If someone can convince themselves that they have qualities that are not actually apparent, it is possible that they may present themselves to possess more of that quality than they actually do. “An executive who talks himself into believing he is a great public speaker may not only feel better as he performs, but increase how much he fools people, by having a confident style that persuades them that he’s good.” (WSJ) People often miss opportunities because of their lack of self-confidence. However, if one can convince themselves to believe that they can do something better than they actually can, that person has 100% more of a chance of success than someone who doesn’t deceive themselves. “Confident people are believed more, and their advice is more likely to be followed than people who lack confidence. To the degree that people can bolster their image of themselves to themselves and enhance their self-confidence, they thereby increase the chances that they will be able to influence others and will be chosen for socially important roles.” (Behavioral and Brain Sciences)

Imagine if people were all honest with themselves: if they understood what was best and disregarded any feelings they had at the time of decision making. People would be doing what was best for themselves, something that could greatly impose a positive impact on their futures. In the future, I plan to evaluate and remove myself from toxic situations to avoid consequences I know are bound to happen.