Love Letter to My Grandma - to One of the Greatest Person

My dearest Grandma,

Since the time I could walk, talk, remember, you were with me. I feel so overwhelmed by the pain. I can't explain the hole in my heart. Getting to be with you, for even the short time we spent together, felt like a lifetime of love. You would always read me bedtime stories. You cooked me delicious hot meals. You knitted me scarfs that I will cherish forever. You always helped me. I’ll forever remember your smile, it lit up the room like a thousand lights. Your hair looked like a clown wig, artificial red and frizzy. To me though you were beautiful.

But what ruined me for the longest time was I refused to talk about you. Refused to say your name. Refused to look at pictures of you. Refused to get help. The feeling can't even be described as pain anymore it just hurts. It feels like a big, fat lump is stuck in my throat. Something is gone from my heart and only you can put it back. It feels like I’m choking. It feels like I’m drowning. Can you just come back as a shadow, or even a dream?

It kills me to think you won't see me grow up, graduate school, get married or have kids. You never saw me hit the big double digits. Eight years old and you left. It was too young for me to lose you grandma. I think of you every time before bed. Every time I wish for something it's you, it's you to come back. I thought of you on my birthday, I'm a teenager now. I remember you putting me to bed and singing me ‘twinkle, twinkle little star’. Your voice was like silk. I remember all the sleepovers together and me always wanting to go home but, you layed by my side until I felt better.

I wish I had gotten to say goodbye. But I thought you would be there when I got home. It was supposed to a normal day and I'd come home from school and you'd ask me how my day went. But you didn’t. You weren't there. You were all I thought about. You really couldn’t be gone. You wouldn’t have left without me saying bye. I was broken. Lost hope in everything. Shivers went down my spine. I was numb.

I would have taken your pain, but that came soon after. The morning after you left, I couldn’t go on. I just couldn’t. You left. I was angry, ready to explode.

The worst pain was watching you suffer. The single tear rolling down your face when you realised i understood it was time for you to go. The tears streaming down my face when I realised you are never coming back. I will always remember you happy. I know you loved me. You should know I still love you and won't ever stop. I'll be okay. You can watch over me. I know you always have. To me you are a hero. I keep your picture next to my bed, so I can remind myself of what a true inspiration looks like and what it looks like to be happy. You showed me what love meant. That’s what you did. You were not a disease the cancer was, you were one in a million. You stayed strong. You stayed heavenly. The cancer grew around you but could not touch your big beautiful heart. I know how much pain you went through. And I am so sorry that I was angry. I love you so much and I don’t want you to forget that.

Love your, Granddaughter.