Things You Should Know About When Dating An INFJ

When you think of a romantic relationship what are your first thoughts? Love? Spending time together? Working through the good and bad? Making sacrifices for each other? Probably a lot of other things as well. Being in a romantic relationship with someone when you are an introvert (specifically an INFJ) can mean many things in particular. If you are not familiar with what INFJ means, it is a specific Myer’s Brigg personality trait that stands for introverted, intuition, feeling, and judgment. According to Human Metrics, “INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." When you think of introverts you probably think of someone who likes to spend time alone. But for INFJ's it can be more complex than that. And since there are so many misconceptions about introverts it makes sense to dig deeper into this topic. As an INFJ myself, opening up to another human in a very deep and meaningful way takes a lot of energy and it can be very difficult to even try. If you are dating an INFJ, this can create some issues if it takes a while for the INFJ to open up with their partner or even if it is some other feeling of disconnect between each of them. There are some things you should know about dating an INFJ. We are the rarest out of all of the personality types, so it is no wonder that it can be hard to really understand where we are coming from sometimes. Four things you should know when dating an INFJ- the rarest personality type!

INFJ’s need a mutual understanding that it may take a lot of time to truly open up to their partner.

If you started dating someone and they acted like they couldn't open up to you, what would you be thinking to yourself? You would probably feel like they are holding back something important or maybe even hiding something. I get it, it probably makes sense for most people. But for INFJ's, we just take a while to really open up to others. We have a tendency to be very private people, but when we do open up to a person we have to really feel some type of deep emotional connection. If you start dating an INFJ do not expect them to completely open up to you at the very beginning and tell you everything you want to know so soon.

You will find when dating an INFJ that we do not enjoy confrontations.

Confrontations are probably awkward and uncomfortable for almost anyone. But for INFJ’s it is very hard to confront someone about something. We do not like conflict. It is uncomfortable and very displeasing. INFJ’s typically are what some would consider “people pleasers,” and this can even be true when they are in relationships. If anything, INFJ's prefer to be in the middle and act more as a mediator in most situations that we are in. Of course open communication is such an important aspect of any relationship, so this is something that should be really thought out in a relationship with an INFJ. Avoiding confrontation while in a relationship could create future tension and isn’t very healthy if a person never has any type of confrontation with their significant other. The keyword here is never. INFJ's should learn to confront their partner at least for some things. And like point number 1, it may take a while for us to really learn how to go about doing this. Any person should be able to talk about what is bothering them in an open and honest way, without being afraid of not 100% pleasing their significant other. As an example, if an INFJ isn’t getting enough alone time they may feel the need to not tell their significant other due to it leading to a possible conflict. But then their partner notices that their mood as been really “off” lately. This would be a situation where an INFJ should speak up about asking their partner to give them a break every evening so they can have time to themself. Chose your confrontations wisely is what I am saying.

We take our values seriously.

When dating an INFJ you will find that we tend to have very high values and sometimes even certain expectations of other people. This is where the “judging” part comes into play. In order for an INFJ to live a fulfilling life we must stick to our values and do what we believe is right. When you are in a relationship with a person, particularly a person who may be the complete opposite of you, this can create some issues. For example, what may be a very important issue to an INFJ may not be a very important issue for their partner. That can hurt, especially if it creates conflict in the relationship. I think most people generally like to be in relationships with people who have similar values, but no couple agrees on everything. INFJ’s also love to strive for things. What that certain thing may be will probably be different for every INFJ. Once we get a goal in our head we work really hard at meeting that goal. This doesn’t mean that we do not have times in our life where we feel unmotivated- I think everyone goes through times like that. What it does mean is that an INFJ could probably not stay in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t have at least some drive and ambition in their life. If you are interested in hearing more about how to get motivated, read my article How To Get Motivated - When You Do Not Feel Like It.

Our intuitive side can come off as a “know it all” or even suspicious.

What I mean by this is that we do not do a lot of random guessing or come up with a conclusion out of thin air. We have a good rationale for coming to certain conclusions, at least in our minds we do. According to Psychology Junkie typically INFJ’s use their, “Introverted Intuition, the INFJ then scans through all of the information, connecting dots, seeing which patterns manifest themselves, and interpreting all the clues to formulate a projection of what may happen further on down the road.” We can come up with our own conclusions based on our own findings, generally just by gathering all of the information that we know of. This also means that we notice a lot of things that other people wouldn’t generally notice. Even if it isn’t right in the end. At least we tried, right? If we present our findings to other people, including our partner, it can come off as being a "know it all" or even being suspicious in certain ways. Even if we are not trying to come off as that, it is just how we analyzed the certain situation. So what does this have to do with dating an INFJ? Well for example, if your INFJ partner notices that you were not acting as friendly as you normally do at their work party. Perhaps you were acting a little off during the party and you didn’t even notice or maybe your body language looked as if you would have rather been somewhere else- these can all be noticed very easily by an INFJ. Even if it wasn’t meant that way at all (in your eyes), but to an INFJ this could be read as you did not want to be there at all, or maybe you were upset with them for asking you to go.